Parenting Advice: Help! My child lies.

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Lying infuriates adults. The funny thing is, though, that it is the adults that often set the child up. It goes like this:

Mum heard that Greg was seen throwing stones at another child:

"Greg, what have you been doing this afternoon?" [Right, I'm going to confess to something that you don't know.]

"What do you mean? Nothing." he says, with an innocent, puzzled, expression.

"Did you throw stones at that new girl?" [Hmm, maybe I can get away with this.]

"No.", he says out, loud looking shocked that you would even imagine such a thing.

"Well Mavis says you did."

"It had to be some other kid." [Why would she believe a neighbor over me?]

"She seems pretty sure it was you."

"She's wrong! It wasn't me!"

First Mum tempts him to lie to wriggle out of it, and she corners him with the lie. It is showdown time. What will Mum do? Is she confident that Mavis is totally reliable? Or is there some shadow of doubt? Greg seems to be pretty insistent, what if it was some other kid? If she lets him off, she will have to apologise for doubting him. If she convicts him, it will be double punishments, one for lying and one for throwing stones.

Since most kids lie to stay out of trouble, it's up to you to promote truth and honesty. Don't tempt them to tell more lies. You have to make it beneficial for incriminating himself, instead of letting him off the hook. Lay a foundation of truth telling and honesty for your whole family. This means you can't lie either. Watch your children for honesty, and reward them when they are. Keep talking about how valuable honesty is as well as a good reputation. Show them that honesty is great and that it will be rewarded.

The next time you suspect your child of something, remain calm.

If you know what they have done, do not ask them, "Did you do it?" Why tempt them? Tell them what you know, and dish out the consequences.

On the other hand, you can invite them to tell you the truth. This is how it might be done:

"Greg, Mavis informed me of something she witnessed this afternoon. I would like to have you tell me what went on. Go to your room and think about it for 15 minutes. While you're thinking, keep in mind how much we value honesty in our home."

This will give Greg a chance to think things over. He can dig a bigger hole for himself, or he can be honest and face the consequences. If he tells you the truth, praise him for his honesty. If he chooses to lie, even after thinking about it, then you must double his punishment. He has now both lied and thrown stones at someone, and there are consequences for both.

Either way, once things have calmed down, talk about the feelings of anger, envy, or insecurity that may have led to the behaviours. Show that it is okay to have such feelings, but that feelings don't excuse bad behaviour. Be patient. Tthey won't talk until they know it is safe and that you won't "blow up" at what they say.

Article Source: http://www.parentingarticlelibrary.com

Dr. Noel Swanson has written a very informative book and highly entertaining on managing child behavior problems - The GOOD CHILD Guide. Many pediatric nurses consider it a must read for all parents. Also get his parenting articles here.
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